The Diary of Selmar
by silver-silk.dress
Summary: Simply Selmar's diary, from the time she got to Obernewtyn till Ariel killed her. One-shot, rated T for safety.


**Hey. This is one I did for an English assignment, in an attempt to show a ****disintegrating **mind try to communicate. I'm not sure how well it turned out, but hey.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Day 1

I hid on the roof. They didn't think of looking for me there until my mother told them. I hate her – she was a slave to the Herders. Ever since Father died she'd been surrounding herself in religious dogma, but ignoring the parts that disagreed with her. She didn't have a problem with denouncing me, though.

I remember, it seemed as though everything was going in slow-motion. I could feel each throb of my heart as I waited for the Herders to come and burn me, or for the soldier guards to take me away to Obernewtyn.

I don't know why I didn't run. I'd lived my whole life, sheltered in a rich house, and I was too scared to leave. Or maybe I had always been this docile.

Some people later told me it was shock, and that was why I couldn't remember most of the journey to the mountains. Others told me they'd drugged me, because I could only remember small flashes.

My mother, burning with anger at my mutancy – she'd long gone over to the Herders. Her telling them that I was called Selmar, but that I no longer possessed a second name. An unsmiling guardian nodding stiffly at me in the coach, and then taking a sleep potion.

But there was one memory that stuck clear.

A white-blonde boy, with perfect curls, showing me to a temporary room. He leered at me grotesquely, and I shrank away. Then I felt a sharp, burning pain in my head, and his fleeting look of triumph. The random fear that he _knew,_ that he knew more than anyone.

His dark look as he closed the door behind me.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Today was confusing. I was sent down to the farms – it was autumn, so all hands are needed – and I was set to work under Larkin. He kept looking at me with sad eyes, and after a while I needed a break. I hid in the cow paddock.

I like cows. They're simple, but methodical. They don't rush things, and they see common sense. I spoke to them, asking them if the funaga in charge of them was nice. They said he was, but prone to talk too much.

I laughed at that. Cows don't like too much talk. He keeps looking at me like he knows something I don't. I can feel the fear radiating off the very walls of this place. It's hard enough, because there is so much hate directed at the white-blonde boy. Hate burns. It always burns.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A Month Later

I think I had a true dream last night. I was running, always running, and there was something chasing me. And then there were two girls with sad eyes. One had clearly been beautiful, with fine bones and honey hair, but she had a hunted look. The other had black hair and a strong face, and she looked so proud – but in her turn, scared.

I don't know what to do.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A Week Later

I had such bad dreams last night. They were scarily realistic, but they weren't a true dream. Ariel took me out of my bed in the dream, and he shoved me ruthlessly in a night coat to the Doctor's rooms. I felt so scared, because nobody has ever seen the Doctor.

There were people there, and then we were outside a cave.

All I remember of the dream after that is pain, pain. It's odd. I know it wasn't a true dream, but it didn't seem like a normal dream.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Summer

I don't understand what's happening to me. I used to me in control of my body and mind, but now I can't remember things. I'm having so many dreams, and I beginning to think some of them are true.

I can't remember things. I have a constant headache. Sometimes I think there's someone else in my head, but I'm sure that's not true. It can't be. It can't. I still have such bad dreams, and but they're not dreams.

I'm loosing track of days. Sometimes I wake up and realise with a shock that it's winter. There are so many new faces here, and sometimes I know their names but I don't think I ever talked to them. I can't sleep, and I know things about Obernewtyn I shouldn't.

Like where they keep the arrowcases and maps. And where they store the food, and how they designed the maze.

Some boys talked to me today. They were each missing a hand. They asked me questions, and I was scared. But I told them. I've learnt now that silence just hurts.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The girls from my dreams are here. I think this is bad. I feel so scared.

I can't use my abilities anymore. I don't have the mental strength to talk to beasts, let alone form a probe.

I can still feel the fear.

Dreams are getting worse. It's so hard to do anything now. I find myself in strange places, and I don't know how I got there.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rushton saved me from from that girl, the black-haired girl. She hurts me, like it hurts at night.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I don't know why I did it. I just ran. I was so scared, so scared. I found myself in a part of Obernewtyn I shouldn't be in, and I left. He found me.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The said they'd take me with them, the boys. They ask so many questions. Almost like – _them._

So many questions. How should I know?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Leaving this place soon, tonight. They promised. He said no, but they promised.

They promised.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________


End file.
